January 20, 2016
There was a point in my life when the lens through which I decided to see everything became so clear that so many more decisions became black and white. I looked in so many of the dark corners and cleared out the cobwebs that clouded my judgment or made me doubt myself. It has been an intense journey inwards. I have faced so many of the fears that we all carry. Will I ever be loved again if I voice my true feelings? Will I be rejected if I act as I know my heart craves? Will I find the courage to keep going? We all fear rejection and acceptance. It drives us to do things we don’t believe in and tolerate things we cannot stand. I hit a point a few years ago when the balance broke. There were too many things in my life that I was tolerating and had to look inward for a measure before I made myself sick and crazy. I stepped into that place of wondering what would happen if I started to say no to the things that were hurting me or weighing me down. It is so damn scary. It is a leap into an abyss with no idea if there will be ground below you. When I got clear on how vital truth and love are to me as my guiding principles in life, I had a map. I also learned to trust my inner knowing and the reaction of my body as my compass. My desire to be healthy, well and true to myself has made life so much simpler. Even in this moment as I face losing my breasts again, I am facing the same questions and fears. Will I be loved with no breasts? Will I be loved even if I look different? There is a part of me that completely trusts that I will and another part of me that knows that I love myself enough to do it anyways.