February 5, 2016

Interesting now to reflect back on the days leading up to my surgery. There was worry and fear about the actual procedure but more of the turmoil I was feeling was about the discovery of another place in my life where I had gotten so far away from the person I really know myself to be. I am constantly working to shorten the distance between the point of making a poor decision that is not best for me and the length of time it takes to make a change for the better. 

I started to remember in the days before my surgery that I had asked questions about alternatives to the silicone, including using my own body fat (though I was told I was too thin), saline (too ripply) and doing nothing post-mastectomy (but don't you want to look normal?). In the end I went with the silicone and was even pressured (not by my doctor but by someone else close to me) to go "as big as possible." Bigger is better, right? WTF. I have no regrets and place no blame. We do the best we can in any given moment. I do identify though with the sadness of wishing I had owned my true self more clearly. I wish I had trusted my questions as doubt. I wish I had not felt pressured to conform. In the end, what is normal? Are any of us normal? I want to feel "normal" within and that means making decisions that are in my own best interest. I don't miss my real breasts or the fake ones. Right now I am embracing the freedom in my heart and in my system. I know myself best and, in the end, am the one that is in this body.