October 3, 2017
Five years ago, on a restaurant patio in Las Vegas, Sasha Markova actively listened to my life story. After a while, she dug into a nondescript plastic bag and pulled out a blank white t-shirt, a black sharpie and some stencils. She set to work, coloring in letters I could not quite decipher. After a short while, Sasha presented me with my very own @iloveboxieshirt. Not Guilty. She nailed it. She understood who I had been and who I was becoming.
Always a pleaser, I had filtered so many prior decisions in my life through a lens of guilt. I had made myself sick over guilt. I had lost myself to guilt, paralyzed by what I thought was right for everyone else at a cost to my own happiness, health and well-being.
I met Sasha in the moment I was beginning to rebalance my life. I had started honoring myself and rectifying decisions made from a place of fear, pain and guilt. "Not guilty" does not infer skirting responsibility to others, but claiming more deeply responsibility to who I am and committing to showing up with integrity in all I do. For me, living without guilt means owning what is true within my own body and carrying that forth in action. "Not guilty" is using my voice, speaking up, being myself and not holding back. It is a state of mind that embraces living with deeper awareness and consciousness.
This @iloveboxie shirt sat in my closet since 2012 while I reclaimed voice and self. I just pulled it out the other day for the first time in years, recognizing its prophecy of who I was then becoming and who I had always been.