November 3, 2017
I speak of a truth living in the body and of the messages this body shares with me. I feel at peace when mind and body are in sync. For the last three weeks, my body has had a mind of its own. I feel as if I am moving through molasses. Every cell seems twisted and turned inside out. I continue to do what I know to do—eating the right foods for my body, exercising even as I hold back tears, trying to sleep plenty and trusting that this is just a phase. I am recognizing how once I turned the corner for the better with my health, I have secretly dreaded being back in a pocket like this one. Old illness-induced trauma cries, “What if I get stuck here again?” I have become accustomed to healthy, vibrant well-being as my norm. My heart is swelling with compassion for the years (more than a decade) I lived my life feeling like a stranger in this body and for the many who know that existence far too well. I am doing my best not to judge this moment as some failure on my part. My mind desires to understand the why behind the feeling and to entice me to try a little bit harder. Perhaps there is no why? Perhaps it is not about trying harder, but about resisting less? Perhaps it is about total surrender to this, and every other, phase, both past and present?